My dearest sweetheart,
The man in a white coat came by to see me today. Though he tried to disguise his hopelessness with a soft smile, I knew there was no hope. I wish they would tell me things as they are. I’m in the field, I understand, but they believe my mental status wouldn’t handle it.

First came bacterial, viral and fungal infections. My body so familiar with the bleedings, random, out of nowhere. I knew it was from bone marrow suppression which led to granulocytopenia, agranulocytosis, thrombocytopenia and aplastic anemia. Ever the pale one, now I’m glassy and fragile. Like a Caucasian Barbie doll, how I loved those when I was young. I can no longer wave my hands around to show off my manicure, nope. The treatment I taking it all away. And they had to reduce the dose, yes I noticed.

Last week, my bones were chilled. The chest X-ray showed pleural effusion, a telltale sign of pneumonia. But not your usual, it’s a Pnemocystitis jirovecii invasion. That’s not the only invasion. My body is a battle field, and I have few soldiers left. Candida, Toxoplasma, Herpes Zooster and Cytomegalovirus are knocking. In a bid to cure me, these drugs are paving way for more enemies.

Eating is torture. Xerostomia, stomatitis, oral trauma and infections owing to Fluorouracil, Methotrexate, Daunorubicin and Doxorubicin. In addition, a very bad case of bleeding gums. I’m wondering where all my Ascorbic Acid has gone to. I’m being fed via tubes. Those with healthy guts, take care of them, as sure as hell I miss mine.

Every time you say diarrhea, I turn a little pink. I have a bad case of diarrhea and a bloody stool. I think my roundworms are displaced now. Every now and then I have my head in the bucket. My stomach can’t hold foods and fluids due to generation of emetic responses from my gut. We both know that my mucosa is inflamed due to Bleomycin, Actinomycin and the Ds, Doxorubicin and Daunorubicin.

Our son asked for a little sister to spoil and most probably pull her hair. And a mini-me for you to spoil. Well, sorry to disappoint you. These drugs have inhibited my ovulation. And how I hated my menses because of cramps, no more menses. I kinda miss them. You can give away the hot water bottles that you purchased after so much complaining from me. But you forgot every time. Sorry we can’t try for a baby. She will be dead by month 3; teratogenicity, spontaneous abortions and fetal death.

I’m worried if they don’t stop the medication, another cancer will develop. It scares me. Battling one has not been easy,what about two? I’d die at dawn.

“What’s that?”


You know why?

To counteract renal failure and urate stones. I know you’re thinking about gout and how I’ve never eaten more then 4 pieces of meat neither taken alcohol. It’s the drugs honey. Please make them stop.

Tell them I no longer want the drugs nor chemotherapy. This is too much damage. I tell them daily,every second, and now they believe I’m losing it. The end is near, I’m as good as I want to be. When I’m gone, that cash will be your fall back on pillow. For bad economic times are here with us owing to the Corona Virus Pandemic. I love you so much, do it for us, for me, for our son. The days we’ve lived together will forever be my best. I wish for more, that can only happen if they withdraw the treatments. Please.

Your Soul mate.

Financial Independence Crave.


June 24th

I doubt I’m the only one suffering from this.

While growing up, I used to count my years and set what I should have done by then. I’ve accomplished almost all except this one. I turned 21 on 13th June. According to my little chart, by 21,I should have moved out of my parents house, and they shouldn’t be supporting my rent and daily expenses. Shock on me, clocked 21,still in my parent’s house, no penny to call my own and I feel I’m getting old.

According to my best friend and family, I’m over pushing myself, too much pressure. But lemme tell you, this crave is like no other.

I’ll share my crave journey with you. It’s not that long but I feel like it’s been months.
I started a blog on WordPress. Just for fun maybe I’ll switch it later. I really enjoy it. Thank you for the support.

Started looking for online writing jobs. This was a struggle with no one to guide me. I’m more of ‘I’ll rather do it myself’ kind of woman. That’s how I learnt swimming anyway. I asked for help from like 3people. Boom! Disappointments. I still love you guys.

I tried freelancers, ajiradigital, probloggers and others I can’t even remember. Then shock on me, my debit card expired a month ago. When I didn’t need it, it was good to go, now that I need it, it bails out on me. Ever felt like you’re pushing an immovable wall. There went my dream of supporting my online work,I had to go and ask for credit. Mind you I’m still asking for mandazi cash.

I have goals,a little bit many, trying to figure out which are a little bit unreasonable. Just like Noah’s ark, I can’t take everything aboard. But I’m sure I’ll do most.
That’s my journey so far. I have to sort out my card issue then move on. It’s a little standstill but that doesn’t mean marktiming. A little jog, a little push. Hydrate and take it easy. Remember to eat and read a novel twice a week. Pray, has really helped.

I didn’t mean to write this but I need to blow steam. I really do. Growing up, maturity, is a little tough especially on a daddy’s girl like me and I believe on everyone.

I’m learning to be patient, to think before doing something, taking it easy and pushing myself from my comfort zone, the couch.
I don’t think it’s for the cash, it’s basically the crave and need to work for it. And the pride too.

Aluta continua
The fight continues.

Till next time, tootles.

One last thing,
A novel recommendation, The Surgeon by Tess Gerritsen, if you love serial killers, murder mysteries, thrillers… Trust me, you wouldn’t want to miss this one.


Happy Father’s Day

21st June

“Father finger, father finger where are you? Here I am, here I am how do you do? 👍.
Kudos to all fathers, you guys have done a lot. Over the years we’ve been listing those traits, now let’s hand it over to our sons.

Straight from the Word, a father is the priest. An example of King David who used to offer sacrifices to the Lord on behalf of his sons.
We have fathers who are pastors, we need to teach this to our sons. They don’t have to learn everything from Theology (Theo 111). That’s just to polish them up. Hand over these skills, this calling. We know priests came from the tribe of Levi, hand it down. Just little lessons, having them accompany you to church and do something, really works.

How many women are in divorce courts suing their husbands of child support? How many children are out there and don’t have financial and material support from their fathers?
You guys have done good, awesome even. Your kids are working, in campuses, highschools and primary. Teach your sons that the man should provide for his family. Even they don’t have anything to offer a girl, and are not working towards getting something, let the girl be.

In this Corona time, we hold services at home. As a dad, you’re there. Why isn’t your son there too? Why did he miss service (before Rona)? We put our children in prayer, teach them to remember their kids in prayer too.

Men are not petty, as a woman, I’m very grateful for this. Because if they were as petty as the other gender, it’d be chaos. Educate your son not to fight with his sisters over trivial things like TV and video games. Instead solve them amicably. You solve your family issues and crazy dilemmas. One of your daughters stole the other’s boyfriend. Instruct your son that his family shouldn’t fight when he’s around. To be the bigger person and walk away and help keep peace.

You’ve been speaking good tidings for them, teach your son to do the same. Have family prayers and talks. You’ll find yourself telling them how much you love them and see them prospering in future. Some little words go a long way in motivating others.

Attending graduations, soccer practice, cheerleading, picking up hem after school, helping with homework and so much more. Your son most likely will copy you. If you do it, he knows he should too.

Many are times your family doesn’t know what to do about something. Maybe eviction, unplanned teenage pregnancies, but as a dad, you think hard till you find the right way, the one everyone will benefit. Your sons really need this, they can’t afford to make stupid rash decisions.

I’ll go a little bit back in age, where fathers were warriors, protectors of their families and communities. Many young families get attacked by thieves in the middle of the night. Will the wife get out? If she does, there’s something you definitely missed while handing down the mantle.

A lover.
This is a little self explanatory and encopases everything else. For the greatest commandment is love.  He loves his wife and kids. Protects and provides. Maintains peace. The more love he gives, the more he receives. Tell them that loving their families and showing it doesn’t make them weak. They have a big gift that should be celebrated.

Set bars.
An example, I was reading pharmacology, then my dad was like, when I was in school, the least I got in pharmco was B+, trust me, the least I can also get is a B+, that’s what I believe and working for. Set bars, not too high, not impossible and try to be as truthful as possible, we really learn from that.

At some point, I sounded like I was preaching but considering God, the Father passed down the mantle to His Son, Jesus Christ, and Father’s day landed on a Sunday, I was bound to.
Bottom line, let’s share our passions with our sons just like Artemis Snr did. Halla fans of Artemis Fowl.


A little relationship and marriage guide.

Wozzpopping babe!

I love weddings. Who doesn’t? Flowers, dresses, rings, vows, kisses, convoy. Very beautiful. And definitely the b Iride. Beaming with happiness. Off to her husband’s home. Wow. Marriage, a sacred life long commitment as defined by most cultures.
But here we are. This generation’s marriages lasting just months. No longer ’till death do us part’ but ’till when I tire of you’ , might be the day after the festivities.

There’s something lacking. Go around asking this age of what they expect in a marriage, in a romantic relationship. I’m of this generation and I’ve been there. We want a non-existent partner. We might just as well go to Eden, get the mud, and build our own person.

We also don’t say what we expect of the other person from the word go. At courtship, you’re not a fan of alcohol but your dates are in clubs and bars. Trust me, you get married to that guy or girl, they were married to alcohol before you. The drinking won’t stop. And on days you can’t go out with them, they definitely got drinking buddies. So we prefer to quit when it’s a little bit late. Sometimes we ruin the other person’s life, they might think you didn’t even care about them.

We want instant gratification. Patience is a virtue.If you’ve watched Kungfu Panda, you realize Po had issues with patience. He wanted to be Dragon Master instantly. That’s the same case with most of us. Avoiding measuring my successes each day over the same thing, that I know is long term really helps. I won’t get frustrated and quit. So goes for relationships. Build yourselves, like a house, you won’t stay in it when the roof is yet to be erected.

We don’t want to compromise. This goes for both genders. In a world where feminism and toxic masculinity are the words of each day, meeting the other person halfway is a task, a sacrifice. Why so selfish? Some of it is from peer pressure. Your friends go like if he doesn’t do this for me, I can’t do this for him. I’m not saying you become a matyr but stop counting all your good deeds and expect payment. Do good, go your way. You’ll see the results, be the bigger person.

We don’t cultivate friendships. Friendships are really important. There comes a time when the spark burns a little less brighter than before, both of you might be busy, you’re building yourselves, your young family. If you’re friends, you won’t end up being total strangers. Sometimes during talking stages, we just jump into the relationship. It’s so juicy by the way. Build your friendship still. It’s not every time , every date you end up in a bed somewhere. Learn to make small talk. Most of us aren’t fans of this, but that’s the easiest way to be ready and comfortable for big talks.

Get busy. You’ll note even with your other friends, the minute you’re busy, you build each other. You have bigger better ideas and less conflict. Petty things don’t disturb you as when you’re idle. So goes for relationships and marriages. But don’t forget your significant other in the course of being busy.

We don’t look for complementaries and supplementaries. In this era of fake feelings, too many chic flicks, too many fast flowing novels, we lose a touch with reality. We all want the bad boy with a Ducati and tattoos all over. The one who’s never around for us. Sweetie wake up! You know who you’re. Get someone who compliments you and adds upon your preexisting traits. Even when animals are looking for mates, they want strong, understanding and hardworking. Are animals more clever than us in the dating game?

In addition, learn to forgive and her harder twin, forget. This is a little bit challenging for me by the way 😹.


Medical Malpractices

I’ve had this draft for almost a week now. Gaining courage to blog. It’s time to let it out. Breath in, breath out💨.

19th June 2020

We treat God heals, why not do it in the best way possible? 🤷

Let’s talk medical malpractices.The Hippocratic oath goes like save lives, do no harm. A doctor is second to God because he treats and God heals. Being a physician is a gift, a big one. But there are so many malpractices. Gauzes left in surgical wounds, misdiagnosis, cruelty, maltreatment.

I watched Real Talk With Tamima tonight. She had a very good session on medical malpractices. Her guests shared very painful stories. After that my family got talking. I was shocked to find out my brother was misdiagnosed when he was young and he got jaundice but thank God he was treated correctly. Same case for my mom.

What’s the hurry for? Why not confirm there’s nothing left in the surgical wound before the stitching the person up. If you’re not sure, why not consult. We got seniors for a reason.Malpractices go as far as killing that patient’s hope. A well known story in my home area of a lady whose illness couldn’t allow her to live for more than 3 months, the doctor who saw her, said it in a very mean way. She got stressed lemme actually call it depressed and passed on in the first month of the alleged 3 months.

Medicine is a calling. If you don’t have the heart for your patients don’t. If money is your motivation, you’re in the wrong profession. We say married to medicine, it’s a real marriage. Commitment, devotion and love are a major necessity.Don’t be that doctor who has to be waited for hours and hours. You did a mistake, the price, the cost of the misdiagnosis is yours, not the patient’s. Because fr, hospitals are driving people insane, breaking families and eating up all their cash.


Better daughter-mom Friday Evenings. ♥️

Fri, 19th June

“Mom, you forgot to bring me chips!” Cries out my daughter immediately I put down the groceries. To be frank I didn’t forget, I just don’t trust those chips. Her brother can get them for her but I prefer a healthier,cleaner option.

“Let’s cook chips by ourselves instead. I’ll let you help in peeling the potatoes.” I try to compromise.” But there’s no sauce” So I have to remember how to make sauce at home from my homescience classes.

Mama raised no quitter! Let’s do it. Peel potatoes, wash, deep-fry, drain excess oil so goes the drill. I make kachumbari instead of sauce since it’s almost supper time. Trust me, she won’t eat supper. But since it’s been long since she had junk, I bet it won’t hurt. Just this once.

Wow! She’s so calm and satisfied. She even ate supper. I’m impressed. And I’ve found a new way of spending Friday evenings. The mashed potatoes were getting a little bit boring. In addition,she’s gained a new skill,even though she was using a butter knife to peel😹. A little extra bond for us😃.


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