My dearest sweetheart,
The man in a white coat came by to see me today. Though he tried to disguise his hopelessness with a soft smile, I knew there was no hope. I wish they would tell me things as they are. I’m in the field, I understand, but they believe my mental status wouldn’t handle it.
First came bacterial, viral and fungal infections. My body so familiar with the bleedings, random, out of nowhere. I knew it was from bone marrow suppression which led to granulocytopenia, agranulocytosis, thrombocytopenia and aplastic anemia. Ever the pale one, now I’m glassy and fragile. Like a Caucasian Barbie doll, how I loved those when I was young. I can no longer wave my hands around to show off my manicure, nope. The treatment I taking it all away. And they had to reduce the dose, yes I noticed.
Last week, my bones were chilled. The chest X-ray showed pleural effusion, a telltale sign of pneumonia. But not your usual, it’s a Pnemocystitis jirovecii invasion. That’s not the only invasion. My body is a battle field, and I have few soldiers left. Candida, Toxoplasma, Herpes Zooster and Cytomegalovirus are knocking. In a bid to cure me, these drugs are paving way for more enemies.
Eating is torture. Xerostomia, stomatitis, oral trauma and infections owing to Fluorouracil, Methotrexate, Daunorubicin and Doxorubicin. In addition, a very bad case of bleeding gums. I’m wondering where all my Ascorbic Acid has gone to. I’m being fed via tubes. Those with healthy guts, take care of them, as sure as hell I miss mine.
Every time you say diarrhea, I turn a little pink. I have a bad case of diarrhea and a bloody stool. I think my roundworms are displaced now. Every now and then I have my head in the bucket. My stomach can’t hold foods and fluids due to generation of emetic responses from my gut. We both know that my mucosa is inflamed due to Bleomycin, Actinomycin and the Ds, Doxorubicin and Daunorubicin.
Our son asked for a little sister to spoil and most probably pull her hair. And a mini-me for you to spoil. Well, sorry to disappoint you. These drugs have inhibited my ovulation. And how I hated my menses because of cramps, no more menses. I kinda miss them. You can give away the hot water bottles that you purchased after so much complaining from me. But you forgot every time. Sorry we can’t try for a baby. She will be dead by month 3; teratogenicity, spontaneous abortions and fetal death.
I’m worried if they don’t stop the medication, another cancer will develop. It scares me. Battling one has not been easy,what about two? I’d die at dawn.
You know why?
To counteract renal failure and urate stones. I know you’re thinking about gout and how I’ve never eaten more then 4 pieces of meat neither taken alcohol. It’s the drugs honey. Please make them stop.
Tell them I no longer want the drugs nor chemotherapy. This is too much damage. I tell them daily,every second, and now they believe I’m losing it. The end is near, I’m as good as I want to be. When I’m gone, that cash will be your fall back on pillow. For bad economic times are here with us owing to the Corona Virus Pandemic. I love you so much, do it for us, for me, for our son. The days we’ve lived together will forever be my best. I wish for more, that can only happen if they withdraw the treatments. Please.
Your Soul mate.